I’m sitting in front of one of the most intimidating things I ever see on my monitor.
A blank page.
It’s my job, as the owner of this blank page, to make it not blank anymore. Fine. The only problem with that is that it paralyzes me with fear. What if no one reads it? Worse yet, what if people do read it… only to tell me how stupid it was? What I have difficulty with is keeping those words on the page. I’ve written hundreds of blog posts over the years, only to choose “cancel” over “submit” when I was done. I simply don’t think that anything I do is good enough or interesting enough to warrant someone seeing or hearing it. The number of times I’ve recorded stuff and deleted it has to be in the thousands now. So I create stuff, and then destroy it before I’ve given anyone the chance to tell me it sucks. Ultimately, I want very desperately to make something. I consider myself to be a creative person; I’m just trying to find the right medium to get that out. Music is one way that I’ve experimented with, and still do… but I can never seem to get out exactly what I hear in my head. I spent years drawing, only to have the same thing happen. It just never looked like it did in my mind’s eye, so I eventually quit trying and moved on. Aside from film-making (which I’m realizing I actually do have an interest in) the only things I have left are cooking and writing. Seeing as how I’m much less likely to burn anything down or accidentally slice my face off by writing, here I am.
Tomorrow I’ll start writing like myself.